Porn: The True Reason for Saudi Arabia’s Iqama System

Edit: Just wanted to add that I was inspired to add this post after Qusay, who broached upon the topic in his own post yesterday.

The events described in this post are real. Me and my brother can vouch for them. But the tone is satirical. Continue at your own risk!

This story involves cops. Me getting arrested + sent to jail. And porn. So I’m sure you’ll all be entertained. Read on!

As you all know expats in Saudi are required to carry around an iqama (residency permit) around with them at all times. I recently found out why. One fine day I was stopped at a police checkpoint. At these checkpoints, an emaciated Saudi ‘mutawwa’ will ask for your paperwork, and will NOT pass it through a computer or database of any kind. Instead, they compare the ID to your face and fuss about the spelling if they don’t get it.

Saudi police come in 2 varieties. The impossibly emaciated. Brought on by countless hours in Saudi's hot sun. And the insanely obese. Brought on by lunchtime kabsa (Saudi rice) binges. (Source: Googled)

The officer asked me for my documentation. License I had, Iqama I had (un)conveniently forgotten at home. The result: police cheerfully informing me that I will be sent to jail (yay!).

A police jeep promptly arrived and I was asked to follow it, in my car, to jail. It’s interesting how I, now a criminal, am expected to follow the law. And police just trust me to drive myself to jail. One would think someone truly in the country illegally would simply turn away as the jeep drove on ahead. It is so obvious how this procedure is just meant to inconvenience legal residents. On the way, I called up my brother on my cellphone, told him to come to jail with my iqama so we can clear all of this up.

And it's not like the Iqama is a sophisticated document anyways. This is mine... The authorities have hilariously mis-spelled my name to 'Abdullah Male' apparently renaming me to emphasize my gender. Even more hilarious, they transliterated 'Male' to my arabic name. My DOB is wrong. And my occupation states 'Electronics Engineer'. I am a Financial Engineer.

When I reached prison, they put me in a waiting area. A door to the side led to a series of barred cells holding would-be criminals. I quickly explained to the man (warden?) in the waiting room that my brother would be coming any minute and clear the whole mess up. He agreed to not put me in a cell, but I would still have to be ‘booked’. An official took down details of my personal information, as well as the contents of my pockets and wallet. When I pulled out my cellphone, an officer at the far corner of the gave me the creepiest look ever. Something between extreme interest and malice. Freaked out, I went to the bench to wait for my brother.

My cellphone at the time. Sony Ericsson k800i. A great phone. A great camera. And as Saudi police see it: An epic porn machine.

As I waited, the creepy officer walks up to me.

“Yaaa muhammad, 3indak XX” [Hey Muhammad (generic term for addressing someone in Saudi), do you have 'XX'], he says, pointing to my cellphone.

By XX, he obviously meant porn. I of course feigned ignorance as I laughed inwardly at the use of the term ‘exex’.

“uhh, La2″ [umm, no], I replied nervously.

It probably occurred to him at this point that I thought he was trying to bait me. He pulls out his own cellphone and activates a menu.

“Shoof, ana 3indi XX!” [Look, I have 'exex'], he said as a very, lets say explicit video starts playing across his battered Nokia phone.

I sat there in utter disbelief of the situation. A police officer was showing me porn in jail. The guy took my bewildered expression to signify that I was impressed by his display.

“Min wain?” [Where are you from], he asked, smiling in pride.
“Min Bakistan” [From Pakistan], I answered, knowing I would regret it.

He pulls back his cellphone and presses a few buttons… and starts another movie. Same storyline as the last one. But this time, allegedly involving Pakistani protagonists.

“shoof! ana 3indi Bakistani!!” [See, I have Pakistani as well!], he tells me excitedly, obviously expecting me to reciprocate by sharing a zinger of my own.

I just stared at his toothy smile. As the silence (ridiculously broken every now and then by desi moaning) continued, I realized this man obviously had a whole database of porn on his cellphone. From every nationality apparently.

And then it dawned on me how he acquired his collection. Expats forgetting their iqamas at home, being sent to jail, and transferring their own collections to the police.

A hi-tech central police control room. Pressing Ctrl+P on the keyboard will start an epic multinational 'exex' show. mmm multi-screen. (Source: Googled)

Thankfully, my brother picked this time to finally walk in. The creepy officer retreated back to his corner and I quickly presented my Iqama to the warden, who insofar had witnessed my entire predicament with intense glee.

As the warden fixed up my paperwork, I decided to mess with the creepy officer. I pointed at my brother and said “Haza 3indeh exex [This guy has your exex]“. The man literally ran up to my poor, confused brother grabbed his cellphone and started poking around the file-system. A few minutes later, he would dejectedly return the phone, apparently failing to find new additions to bluetooth to his collection. My brother just staring at me with utter confusion (sorry bro!).

I grabbed my brother and chuckled as we walked out of the police station, explaining to him exactly what had transpired. I also imparted upon him some newfound knowledge. One that has eluded expats for many years now. I had finally ascertained the true purpose of the Iqama system.

It’s not to hold expats indentured. Not to restrict their travel.
It’s there to help Saudi police grow their porn collections.

Someone seriously needs to teach them to use Google…

…though something tells me that’ll just end in disaster.

Fail

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